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An APLer's Guide to Conference Going

by John Searle

Vector 5:4, page 17

humour conference reports

Transcribed from the printed issue; not yet reviewed. Read it in the PDF of the issue, page 17

So you are thinking about attending an APL conference! This is a suggested guide to maximizing your enjoyment and value for money from attending one of these unique occasions.

  1. Orientation. Upon arrival, consult all available maps and learn the fastest path from your accommodation to the conference and to the nearest bar.
  2. Registration. If your name is A-K, deliberately go to the L-Z desk just to see how well the organizers are coping.
  3. Proceedings. Desperately search through the proceedings for papers that cite your own previous papers as references. If appropriate, check that your own paper has been included and that it looks as good as everyone else's.
  4. Programme. Which streams to attend? Which talks clash with the opening hours of the nearest bar? Is the new triadic transpose operator to be discussed at any of the talks? James Wheeler is sure to be announcing a new release of APL*PLUS.
  5. Freebies. Look at, feel, squeeze and smell all of the conference giveaways. Develop a first assessment of where the bulk of your conference registration money has been spent. Look for true APLers who are still carrying / wearing / drinking out of last year's freebies.
  6. The Banquet. This is the true test of the value of an APL conference. For a quiet evening, sit with people that you know. For a more challenging and memorable evening, sit with people that you don't know and who don't speak your native language. For an outrageous evening, sit with either the Finns or Phil Benkard. Revise your estimate of where your conference registration money has been spent.
  7. Hospitality Suites. Check them all out, and frequent the ones with the best food and drink. Try to extract as much information as possible from the demonstrations, but when talking to sales people wear someone else's name badge.
  8. Information Desk. Marvel at how the registration desk has been modified to an information desk. Always wait until the last day to buy extra conference freebies at cut-rate prices. Harass the overworked conference committee at every possible opportunity, just to see how they are still responding to stress.
  9. On Reflection. On departure, shake everyone by the hand and promise to see them at APL8x + 1. Realise that the "gods" of APL are really just people after all.

Someone [1] said that the future of APL depended on the extent to which we are still ahead of our time. Let us hope that time proves this to be true.

[1] Someone,J., "The Future of Programming - W(h)ither APL?", APL84 Conference Proceedings, Helsinki, June 1984.