On the Lighter Moments of APL 86; Ode to APL 86

Transcribed from the printed issue; not yet reviewed. Read it in the PDF of the issue, page 67

When I was prevailed upon to produce a round-up of the stories from APL 86 and its fun and games I wondered what I was going to write about.

I need not have worried; Murphy (of the well known law) came to my aid. For example, even before the conference began, we heard that the van hired by Liz Swann to take the Cocking and Drury Exhibition equipment to Manchester arrived – only half the size and full of lemonade.

When I arrived to set up the exhibition, I looked around for the delegates’ umbrellas – nowhere to be seen. At last they were found at the Securicor depot. As couriers it seems that they keep your parcels so safe that even you can’t get hold of them!

In such moments is the mettle of the APL conference organiser or exhibitor truly tempered.

I would like to dedicate this to a long-suffering family who might have imagined that APL 86 was over, only to find me scribbling away whilst on holiday and asking them for impossible rhymes.

Ode to APL 86¶

“You are old,” said the youth, “and your hair has turned white
And your body is all racked with pain,
Yet your mental gymnastics surpass even mine
For you have such a wonderful brain.”

The old man looked up with a twinkling eye.
“In my youth there were many temptations
There were young girls and women, old ladies and drink
In many and strange permutations.”

“These have worn out my body,” the old man exclaimed,
“But my brain has been nurtured for years
And matrix inversions I’ll do in my head
Any night, in the pub, for two beers.”

“What’s the secret old man?” said the boy, “I must know,
For I want to be clever – please tell.”
“It’s all in the Bible by Gilman and Rose,”
Said the man, “and it’s called APL.”

“Tell me more,” said the boy, “of those days long ago.”
“Very well,” said the man, “I’ll recall
What happened way back in the year eighty-six
That greatly affected us all.

“International meetings were held every year
For the APL folks of the world:
To UMIST in Manchester everyone went
Where the welcoming flags were unfurled.

The Cocking and Drury consultants we heard
Had suffered an alcohol ban
So whenever they wanted a drink, all they’d got
Was the lemonade stored in their van.

The conference opened – Ken Iverson spoke
About ‘Core APL’ as a tool
And for all of those present who didn’t agree
He challenged them each to a dual.

There were two competitions the very next night,
First a quiz, then a musical game.
In a test of his knowledge (from an APL college)
A student won prizes and fame.

The musical game had two teams of renown;
Neil Mitchison led out the first.
The second was captained by Jim Brown2
But in combat it came off the worst.

The Manchester weather is fickle, we know
So umbrellas were given ’gainst rain.
They could also be used if the weather was hot
For keeping the sun off the brain.

Then on Wednesday night, with Bastille day in sight,
All the French declared war on the rest.
’Twas their Boules team, with pride a formidable side,
That took on and conquered our best.

Now at croquet we found many experts around
With their mallets and hoops and skilled roquet.
There was rumour that Adrian Smith planned to write
A version of APL croquet.

Four teams were established: from STSC,
I P Sharp, IBM and SigAPL
To challenge each other in Trivial Pursuit
And with APL questions to grapple.

At the banquet there were over five hundred guests.
The dining room had extra staffing
And the speaker we heard at the end of the meal
Was the BCS boss, Bob McLaughing.

He poked fun at the Irish, the English and Scots,
Raquel Welch and Dick Bowman as well.
He described Irish Dartboards (pneumatic of course)
And his oratory cast a fine spell.

Apart from the fun and the games I’ve recalled
There was much more of interest to find.
Both exhibits and papers were excellent stuff
With which to encourage the mind.”

“Now I see,” said the youth, “what it is that you did
To develop a mind that’s so sharp.
So I’ll drink lemonade and I’ll learn how to play
Concertina or flute or a harp.”

“And also young lad,” said the bearded old man,
“If you want to stay youthful and handsome,
Avoid all the women, the beer and the wine
And talking to men like John Sansom.”

Then the old man sat back to reflect on the past,
On the APL memories he kept.
As the boy watched he smiled with a twinkling eye,
Put his feet up and quietly slept.

The Old Goat!

[Photographs: two tables of delegates playing a quiz.] The ‘IPSA’ team are deep in thought as David Ziemann tries a tough APL question on them. A tough problem for the ‘STSC’ team.

‘Photographs by permission of Ed Cherlin, Editor APL News’